Showing Up Through the Mess

On Love, Triggers, and the Middle Way

Romantic relationships rarely arrive calm. There are waves of comfort and doubt, connection and confusion. Swells of emotion tug at our edges. And if we’re being honest, love can be both exhilarating and exhausting.

There are emotions of all sorts and sizes, attachment, jealousy, aversion, the stuff that makes us human.

In a healthy relationship there are triggers that push you and your partner past your limited selves. In these messy moments, how are you showing up?

The Middle Way

When I first met my partner, I told her that I try my best to lead my life with intention. This intention naturally extends into my relationships.

From a Buddhist perspective, you need virtuous intention to fully love someone. Along with intention, you need to understand what it means to really cherish others, and have an understanding of bodhichitta.

Why are these three things important when it comes to a relationship? Because when the waves get choppy, and they will, we can slip into the grip of attachment and the familiar “me, me, me” mindset. A kind of emotional tunnel vision.

Intention, cherishing others, and bodhichitta can help build a solid foundation in our romantic relationships. One that cuts through confusion, exhaustion, and blame. So how do we navigate these waves without capsizing? For me, it starts with intention.

Intention Transforms Action

What I love about dharma is that we take what we learn and plug it into our daily lives. This includes our romantic relationships.

Every interaction becomes spiritual if done with the right intention. We can see our partner as a spiritual teacher. Especially if triggers are bringing up emotions.

The simplest moments that make up the day like washing the dishes, making dinner together, and holding space for each other become offerings when we do them from a place of spiritual intention wishing our partner to be happy.

And conversely, if our partner leaves the wet towel on the floor or dirty dishes on the counter we can use this opportunity to practice patience and using our voice to improve communication.

Then, taking it a step further. When we’re feeling triggered, we need to take accountability. I own my triggers and so it’s my responsibility to work them out.

Every experience, the good, the bad, the messy is an opportunity to walk the spiritual path.

Modern Bodhichitta

Bodhichitta is a Sanskrit term that translates to “awakened heart” or “great mind of enlightenment” isn’t just a concept. It’s a living practice. Especially in love. As Buddhists, we strive to embody bodhichitta — the living heart of the Bodhisattva path.

According to Buddhist scripture there are various divisions of bodhichitta. Within the three-fold division, is the idea of a ‘boatman-like bodhichitta’ (think a boat ferry operator).

I like this idea of the boatman-like bodhichitta, because it says just like a boatman, the ferry operator, works to carry others to the other shore while traveling with them.

When we think about our partners, can we show up like the ferry operator choosing to stay, to love, to show up and travel through the storms?

Even when we’re afraid or confused, when the wind and waves are crashing into our boats, can we work together to steer the ship to the other shore?

If you’ve found a partner with that boatman-like bodhichitta or you carry it yourself rejoice. And if you both do? That’s a blessing worth honoring.

Samsara Is Messy. Practice Happens Here

Life is messy. There are ups and downs and all arounds that impact not only your own experience but that of the shared experience you have with your romantic partner.

Recently, I was triggered by a conversation I had with my partner. It was me grasping at a self that felt like it wasn’t safe and that it needed to be protected. That person who I thought needed to be protected is a projection of an agitated mind, not a clear and peaceful mind. I own that.

I’m grateful to have a partner who has that boatman-like bodhichitta. She calls me out in a healthy way offering support to carry me across the choppy waters. In turn, I feel safe to dive deeper into the waters of my mind and when I feel safe to do that I can mirror that same experience back to her.

The Real Practice?

It’s not just cushion work.

It’s driveway work.

It’s in the pause before reacting.

In the tender decision to stay open even when it stings.

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